Saying 'I get why you feel that way' in the middle of an argument sounds like the right move. But does showing that you see your partner's point actually make things better? A Canadian study of young couples found a more mixed picture. It did not show that perspective-taking fixes conflict.
The study was by Marianne Emond, Brenda Ramos, Florence Léonard, Katherine Péloquin and Marie-Ève Daspe at the Université de Montréal. It was published online in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy on 5 June 2026, with the title It Takes Two to Tango.
The researchers recruited 178 couples, 356 people in all, mostly through social media. Ages ranged from 18 to 29. Most pairs were a man and a woman, but the sample also included women in relationships with women, men with men and couples of other gender identities. Relationships had lasted about 34 months on average, and just under half of the couples lived together.
Each couple answered online questionnaires, including one about relationship satisfaction. A little later they took part in a video call, where they chose a topic of disagreement from a list and talked it through for 10 minutes while being recorded. Trained coders watched the recordings and rated communicated perspective-taking, which means how clearly each partner showed that they understood the other's point of view. After the conversation, each person also reported how positive the experience felt.
The simplest question came out mostly negative. After allowing for other factors, a partner's communicated perspective-taking was not significantly linked directly to their own satisfaction or to their partner's satisfaction.
Perspective-taking was, however, linked to how the conflict conversation felt. People whose partners showed more perspective-taking tended to report more positive experiences during the discussion, and so did the people showing it. In turn, feeling that the conversation went well was linked to higher satisfaction for both partners. Together, these links produced small indirect associations between perspective-taking and satisfaction, passing through how the conversation felt.
The authors also found that the two partners' behaviour interacted. In one model, the indirect links appeared only when the other partner showed relatively low perspective-taking. The pattern is complicated and the effects were small. The study did not simplify to a message that more perspective-taking is always better.
Longer relationships and more intense disagreements were linked to lower satisfaction.
The study was cross-sectional, with satisfaction measured about a week before the recorded conversation. That timing cannot establish cause, and it cannot confirm that feeling good about the discussion is the way perspective-taking connects to satisfaction. Satisfied couples may also simply find it easier to take each other's view.
The authors say the study may have missed small effects. It used a convenience sample, so couples who think they communicate well may have been more willing to take part. Most people were White and aged under 30, so results may not apply to older couples or to couples in distress. Video-call conflicts were probably milder than arguments at home, and observers who do not know the couple may miss subtle things. The study was not preregistered.
This research does not suggest that you should say 'I understand' to end an argument. Understanding that is faked, or used to win, is unlikely to help. Rules about relationships differ between places, and this study is not advice for your situation.
This general information does not apply to relationships with violence, threats or control, where disagreements can be dangerous. In Australia, Lifeline is on 13 11 14, and in an emergency call 000.
The researchers also noted that couples in the sample were fairly young and early in their relationships, with an average of under three years together. How perspective-taking works for couples who have been through decades of disagreements, children, illness or loss may be very different, and this study cannot say.
Source: It Takes Two to Tango: The Interplay of Partners' Communicated Perspective-Taking, Positive Relational Experience During Conflict and Relationship Satisfaction in Young Adult Couples DOI: 10.1111/jmft.70149
Conceptual illustration of recognising a partner's different perspective. AI-generated editorial illustration. This article summarises published research in our own words and is general information, not personal health advice.
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