Many people have swallowed a request to avoid an argument, then wondered whether staying quiet was kinder or just easier. A lab study of couples found that more honesty when asking a partner for a change was linked to better wellbeing and more willingness to change. It involved couples who were mostly doing well, and honesty here does not mean harshness.
The study was led by Bonnie Le at the University of Rochester with three co-authors. It was published in 2025 in Social Psychological and Personality Science, and the university's news release was reported by ScienceDaily in February 2025.
More than 200 couples came to a laboratory. Each pair sat face to face for a one-on-one conversation in which one partner raised a change they wanted the other to make. These topics were described as relationship-threatening, meaning the request could put some strain on the relationship.
The researchers looked at three things. The first was how honestly the person making the request expressed themselves. The second was how honest the listener felt that person was. The third was whether the listener's judgement of honesty was accurate. Couples also reported on their own wellbeing and the quality of the relationship, and on how motivated the listener felt to make the change in the moment.
When a partner was more honest while asking for a change, both people tended to report greater personal and relationship wellbeing. The listener also tended to feel more immediate motivation to change. The same direction of result appeared when the listener simply perceived their partner as honest, whether or not the partner really was being fully honest.
This points to something slightly surprising. According to the authors, the effort to be truthful seemed to matter more than being perfectly accurate at reading each other. In other words, a partner who was trying to be straightforward, and was seen that way, tended to be linked with better results than one who was seen as less honest. The study did not directly test honesty against keeping the peace.
The news report did not give effect sizes, statistics or details of the wellbeing measures, so it is not possible to say from that page how large the differences were.
This was a laboratory conversation, not a real argument at home with tired people and years of history. It is also an association. The study cannot tell you that choosing honesty caused better wellbeing, since people who already feel secure may find honesty easier.
The couples were generally in relatively good relationships. The authors themselves say it remains to be tested whether the pattern holds for couples who are distressed. For that reason, it should not be extended automatically to couples with serious conflict.
Honesty in this study was about being open and truthful on a specific request for change. It is not permission for what is sometimes called brutal honesty. Cruelty, contempt, pressure or humiliating a partner are different things, and nothing in this research supports them. Honest talk usually works best when it is specific, calm and paired with respect.
This general information does not apply to relationships that are unsafe, where a person fears their partner or is being controlled or coerced. In those situations, speaking frankly can put someone at risk, and safety must come first. In Australia, Lifeline is on 13 11 14, and in an emergency call 000.
It also helps to remember what the study did not measure. It did not follow couples over months to see whether honest requests led to lasting change, and it did not test what happens when the listener hears honesty as an attack. How a request is phrased, the tone of voice and the history between two people all shape how it lands, and a lab session captures only a short slice of that.
Source: Expressed and Perceived Honesty Benefits Relationships Even When Couples Are Not Accurate DOI: 10.1177/19485506241312876
Illustration of a clear and respectful conversation about a relationship. AI-generated editorial illustration. This article summarises published research in our own words and is general information, not personal health advice.
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